A Guide For Gorgeous Grandmas

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* Empowering women to age with style *

Comments from Readers of the newspaper column, "A Guide for Gorgeous Grandmas"

"I must tell you I just LOVE your articles. I am a widow who just (shockingly) became sixty, and you really are a shot in the arm to me. It is so easy to sit back and do nothing, and you come on so positive that it makes me think. I am a very young sixty in every way, and you just give me the kick in the behind that I need. Thanks for that!" -- Dody, Framingham

"I have been reading your column in the MetroWest News for a while now. I look forward to your wise and witty words sprinkled with a dash of humor. You certainly have a great attitude! Thanks for the chuckles!" -- Claire, Westboro

"Your column truly inspires many women to keep themselves gorgeous and young! What an inspiration you are to all your readers by the way you present your column! Women like you, who so interestingly and sincerely share new views, are an inspiration and support to every woman who will sometimes wake up feeling tired and depressed. Your columns truly bring such beauty to dreams of a great day in these women's future." -- Yolanda, Waltham

"I really enjoy reading your column each month. I am forty-nine, divorced (happily now), work at a job I love, have four grown kids and am pursuing a master's degree. I haven't had a date in about two years, but my last one was so bad I didn't mind. Seriously, it's lonely but not often, and it's nice to know other people who understand. I would love to see your column run more often. Thanks for a job well done!" -- Kathy, Ashland

"I anxiously wait for your column on singles every month because it is the story of my life. You speak for all of us who reluctantly became 'members of the club.' I have been a widow for eight years, and after three years or so, I severed my relationships with my married friends because I eventually got tired of them ending phone conversations by saying, 'We must get together' and then never following through. It took a while, but I finally got the message. It's horrendous when you lose a husband, but when your friends desert you, it's a double whammy. Thank you for your column." -- Barbara, Framingham

"I read your column the other day and just applauded you. It is about time that we middle age and over women get recognized and that the rest of the population realize that we have many problems and most of the time the strength to overcome them. I have been diagnosed with diabetes, thyroid, and a number of other ailments. My oldest daughter passed away this year, and it has shaken me to the core. My priorities have changed. Keeping relationships going is more important now and communicating and being with people you love is also more important. Life really is so short. I look forward with much interest to your future columns." -- Carol, Sudbury

NEWSPAPER ARTICLES
- A Woman Alone
- Holy Cow! Naked Gorgeous Grandmas! (Click here)

NEWSPAPER ARTICLE - A Woman Alone

Most women (and men) find it terribly arduous and awkward to start over single at our age. And so they should. It's a whole new ball game.

I believe it is important to underscore that we unattached, female midlifers who live alone are not alone. All our lives, most of us have been particularly fortunate to have had a network of relationships to fall back on in times of need. We have loving families, a history of friendships, and a knack for acquiring new friends relatively easily. We have hobbies, cultural interests, and a penchant for understanding that what you give you get. Many of us have given so much for so long, we sometimes forget how blessed we are; we forget that, in times of need, we do get that goodness back - from our wide, wide circle of loved ones to whom we have given all those years.

Henceforth, when I refer to "a woman alone," please know that I am describing a Gorgeous Grandma who may live alone, but who is certainly not alone otherwise.

Let us begin our solo adventures by exploring the first major hurdle a woman faces in her mid-years: accepting that she is middle-aged.

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst tells us that "before we can come to some positive view of the other side of the mountain, we need to acknowledge that middle age is sad, because - not all at once, but bit by bit and day by day - we lose and leave and let go of our young self . . . . We may start to feel that this is a time of always letting go . . . . Our waistlines. Our vigor. Our dream of being a tennis star, or a TV star, or a senator, or the woman for whom Paul Newman finally leaves Joanne.

"We may tell ourselves that we are, in midlife, sexier than ever. Indeed, this very well may be the case. But, another fact to face is that, as we move about in the world, we inspire far less lust than we do respect . . . . We feel shaken. We feel scared. Things are falling apart. All of a sudden our friends, if not us, are having affairs, divorces, heart attacks, cancer. Some of our friends have died."

On the other hand, there are countless middle-aged women who love being the age they are. Their children have left the nest; the housework and cooking have diminished; college expenses are over with; work for her may change to part-time or nil; hubby slows down; and they take a few more vacations. Provided she and her hubby's health are good, life on the whole in her mid-years has finally become fun, maybe.

For while we pause to adapt to, and accept, the inevitable process of growing older, a more serious crisis can present itself that shatters one's entire way of life. Gorgeous Grandma's marriage ends abruptly: her husband dies or, for whatever reason, she is divorced.

How we mourn such a loss, and for how long, depends on a number of factors: our age, preparedness, inner strength, history of love, history of loss, and ability to confront and work through all the despair, anger, tears, guilt, and anxiety. We grieve, in widowhood and often in divorce, for our love, our partner, our dearest friend, our companion, our protector. We mourn the loss of a way of life - of being a pair. We feel abandoned and vulnerable. We wonder about and fear a loss of identity. Who and what can we be, after all this time, if not primarily a wife?

Coupled with our emotional angst, we are required to face the reality of the new and often unfamiliar task of making important decisions on our own. Even though we may (and should) seek and receive quality professional advice, when all is said and done, the final decision rests with just one person. Ourself. Our familiar, trustworthy partner-advisor-companion is no longer with us. Should the oil burner be repaired or replaced? Do we sell the house or wait awhile? What about taxes? Estate planning? Who will understand? Help!

The loss of a mate through divorce parallels closely a loss from death. Contrary to popular belief, there are more similarities than differences. In Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst says: "Divorce evokes more anger than death; and it is, of course, considerably more optional. But the sorrow and pining and yearning can be as intense. The denial and despair can be as intense. The guilt and self-reproach can be as intense. The feelings of abandonment can be even more intense."

Many men and women admit they would rather have been widowed than divorced. Death would not have caused feelings of failure or jealousy or embroiled them in arguments over money or property.

There was a time when being alone after my divorce had an extraordinary impact on my life. Even though I had stopped thinking and acting as one half of a couple, I still missed all the benefits of being one half of a couple - a lot.

There was safety there and trust. There was security - both emotional and financial. There was belonging. Being one half of a couple was being welcomed in all social circles, whether hubby was present or not.

There was hugging, kissing, touching. There were wonderful children that we shared joy in. There was that unspoken acceptance of one person knowing the other so well.

Plain and simple - married life was warm and loving and easy and comfortable.

Being alone now? It is comfortable, I must admit. I have been unattached for quite a while, and it does become easier, eventually.

For a long time, though, it wasn't warm or easy or loving. Almost every major aspect of living that I began to address as a single person - financial, emotional, social - was very hard work.

Making financial decisions by myself was tough. Coming home to an empty house was just that - empty. Food shopping for one was strange: there was all that extra food that was bought, for whatever reason, and then it went bad.

Starting to socialize as an unattached woman was scary. Dating strangers felt awkward and uncomfortable. Rejecting someone was awful; being rejected was worse. Saying yes to a relationship was risky. Breaking off from a relationship was horrendous - it hurt, no matter who ended it.

Research shows that the experience of adjusting to life alone is almost the same for widows as it is for divorcees. What is different is the way in which our generation views widows in contrast to divorcees. It is a shame that there exists a widespread perception that divorcees are flawed, that there is something wrong with a woman whose marriage ended.

At any rate, it is not easy for the unattached woman, regardless of how she got that way.

Nonetheless, after a mourning period has run its course or the divorce dilemma has resolved itself, many women are surprised to find that being on their own can be an exhilarating new experience. They begin to acquire their own identity, and they shed, finally, their husbands' influence on soul and psyche.

They gain courage and dignity and find more self-esteem, perhaps, than they have had for years. For many, new beginnings beget new talents, interests, friends - a new focus on the spirit within. In fact, for many late bloomers, the midlife years may begin the best years of their lives.

NEWSPAPER ARTICLE

- Holy Cow! Naked Gorgeous Grandmas!

Hello, dear GGs. It's so nice to be in touch once more.

We absolutely have to talk about those perfectly respectable GGs from Rylstone, England, who disrobed for a photographer, fashioned a calendar, and made a fortune!

For heaven's sake! Undressed? In front of a camera! What in the world were they thinking of!

For those of you not in-the-know, here's the scoop.

Eleven members of the Rylstone and District chapter of the Women's Institute, ages forty-five to sixty-six, decided to substitute pictures of themselves, without clothes, for the usual images of hiking paths with buttercups and other pastoral wonders that, for years, had adorned their annual calendar. Their radical, attention-getting goal was to raise money for luekemia research after one of their members' husbands had died within five months of being diagnosed with the illness.

The unusual decision to bare their bottoms and other body parts was in hopes of raising $2,000 from the sale of an $8 calendar. Substituting bare skin, pearls, and wide-brimmed hats in place of beautiful sunsets, however, brought in an amazing $550,000!
From the moment the calendar was published, it was a runaway success. How did their families feel about their awesome exposure? They applauded it. In fact, the chairman of their parish council commented, "I've seen more than that over the garden fence."

In hopes of catching a glimpse of the calendar girls, I logged onto their website (www.daelnet.net/rylstonewi/). The only message posted was to inform the visitor that the calendar was temporarily unavailable because of its popularity, and to please visit the site again soon.

My first reaction was one of surprise and embarrassment - for them. How could a mature, sensible GG expose herself in that manner? Was she so selfless that -- modesty bedamned -- her cause was as righteous as Lady Godiva's? Apparently so.

My next reaction was -- what tremendous guts these gals displayed! It's a given that most of our figures are far from calendar-art types - although I do know some GGs whose curves are as shapely now as when they were younger. For the majority of us, however, would we, who have added more than a pound or two over the years, have the courage to bare all? Not this GG, by golly!

"We partly did it out of devilment," said Lynda Logan, a 56-year old painter (Miss July). "But the top and bottom of it was that we were so shocked by John's death that we would have done anything to draw attention to the tragedy of his illness."

But, but - who in the world would hang a calendar displaying older women's less-than-shapely figures? Has it been bought by those who admire Rubenesque curves, and more than a few wrinkles here and there? Or, has it been bought by fellow GGs for the laugh of it all, along with contributing a thoughtful donation for charity?

"It makes us oldies feel better about ourselves - quite uplifted, in im36.jpg (23670 bytes) fact," writes a woman from Liverpool.

"Just to say, absolutely, bloody marvelous!" writes a mid-40's Bristol
woman. "I have no intention of reaching my fifties, sixties, seventies, or more, and lying down for the rest of my life, and I know that a lot of other women out there need to see that they aren't expected to either."

A man from northern Scotland claimed the calendar helped him to convince his wife that her recent mastectomy didn't make her "any less desirable." Another man wrote, "How wonderful to see real women instead of stick insects with pouty lips and pipe cleaners for legs."

How about that, dear GGs! Kudos for us! We wonderful, witty, intelligent, sexy, experienced GGs are being admired for who we are, not who we were. Hasn't this GG been urging us to believe in ourselves all along!

Did I mention that the girls were not totally bare? It seems that one of the members' husbands was formerly a professional photographer. The original plan was for him to set up the camera, remove himself from the room, and one of the ladies would snap the picture. After fortifying themselves with generous amounts of red wine, however, they gave Mr. Logan the go ahead and he did the whole job himself. "We're all great friends so there was no embarrassment. In fact, watching each other covering ourselves strategically with sieves, and plants, and apple presses, and the like was tremendous fun."

It seems stripping for charity has become quite popular in England now, thanks to the Rylstone crowd. Hunting groups, sporting clubs, farmers, chefs, pilots - a number of charity-minded organizations are following suit. None of them could be quite as charming, though, as our fellow GGs across the sea. Who could wear pearls and wide-brimmed hats, with no clothes on, better than we?

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